On Saturday I went to a birthday party and got to see several Grow Up ezine readers. It was great to see them in person (!) and share in conversations that made me pause for deep reflection.

As the night progressed, a particular theme surfaced and it’s the same theme that’s appeared in conversations I’ve had with women and men for several years, especially since I started offering my 12-month marketing program.

The common theme has to do with fear of growing lifework:

• fear of judgment
• fear of being seen
• fear of not being of value to people
• fear of failure
• fear that people will find out they’re a fake
• fear of making the wrong decision
• fear of the internet
• fear of too much work
• fear of fill-in-the-blank

and this fear prevents these amazing people from sharing their gifts in a bigger, bolder and more beautiful way. It makes part of them want to stay small or even invisible.

Actually, this fear-theme is so prevalent in my conversations with people that I’ve decided to shift the direction of Grow Your Lifework, just a little bit, to help people transform their fear into something that will help them grow their lifework. As a result, I’m even redesigning my website. I’ll let you know how it progresses.

But for now, and in response to the conversations I’ve had over the years, I decided to spill my guts in this essay and share a bit about my personal struggle. I share this story because a lot of people think they’re the only one struggling, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Everybody struggles.

So here’s to the struggle and its power to help us grow somewhere great.

Making Music with Your Lifework

Yesterday, I went to a birthday party with my partner Scott (yes, I went to two birthday parties!). When we got there 3 men were playing music: stand up bass, electric guitar and drums.

Scott jumped in right away with his remarkable Jerry Lee Lewis style piano playing, and there I sat with my little djembe drum, feeling completely ridiculous and out of place. (Turned out to be a small birthday party, just the 4 guys and me.)

“Sing with us!” They all said, to which I replied, “I don’t know the lyrics to any songs. I only know the choruses. So I’ll pass.”

As an aside, I am a singer. I’ve performed on stage in front of hundreds of people, but I always rehearse for these performances. Winging it has never been one of my strong suits.

“Then drum with us!” They said, to which I replied, “You’re professional musicians. I can’t play djembe with you guys.”

“Professional?” questioned Joe, the drummer. “I don’t know about that. I just make this stuff up. When I play drums the experts know I’m totally faking it.”

My partner Scott often says the same thing about his piano playing.

But Joe and Scott are truly remarkable musicians. The majority of people on this planet would never see these guys as anything less than talented.

I thought, “If they can fake it and sound amazing, maybe I can fake it and sound amazing too.”

With a bit of courage creeping in, I decided to sing.

Sure enough, after I sang the first stanza I couldn’t remember the rest of the lyrics. I got all flustered, my timing faltered and everything went downhill from there.

I gave up and sat down in the middle of the song, feeling more embarrassed and frustrated than ever.

I love singing and I truly wanted to sing with them, but I resigned myself to drumming which was something I could do more comfortably knowing they’d never be able to hear me over their loud, amplified music.

As the day progressed the guys invited me to sing again and I said, “You know, I’d rather remain invisible, so I’m going to drum over here and you can stop asking me to sing.”

But secretly, I desperately longed to sing, I just couldn’t bear the thought of making a fool out of myself again!

After awhile the birthday boy sang a song. He forgot the lyrics. Instead of getting embarrassed and removing himself from the circle he just continued playing guitar. He didn’t give up. He didn’t sulk. He playing until he remembered the words.

Growing lifework is like this: we have many options when it comes to putting our voices or wisdom out there in the world.

1. We can acknowledge our desires, yet never commit to manifesting them, choosing instead to remain small. This choice usually results in a lifelong struggle with the deflated feeling that comes from giving up.

2. Or, we can follow our passions, which inevitably lead to some sort of struggle, then give up, and resign ourselves to remaining invisible.

3. Or, we can give it a try, struggle and keep going.

Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past

You must fight just to keep them alive

(song: Eye of the Tiger by Survivor)

The common step here is “struggle.” It’s a given. I doubt there’s any way around it no matter what path we choose.

And that’s exactly what it’s been like for me and others I know when it comes to growing our lifework: it’s a constant struggle, with some successes and some not-so-successes, and a willingness to keep moving in the midst of deep frustrations and embarrassment, regardless of what other people think.

My own work has been a music-like jam session. There have been times when I’ve been present enough to get in the groove and feel right on track. I’ve been the professional and the faker-musician when no one but me has known the difference.

And there have been other times when I’ve hit the wrong note and felt like a complete failure in my work. Sometimes I take a break to sulk, other times I stick in there with fierce determination.

I’ve done it all – tried, failed, given up, lost hope, and had periods of joyful rebirth during which I felt hugely successful based on my own definitions of success.

And this struggle happens concurrently under the surface parts that you see. You see the ezine, I see the struggle it took to get it in place.

I’m not sharing this with you so you can see how great I am at sticking with the process even when I want to give up.

I’m sharing this with you because every single person who shares their story with me thinks they are the only one who struggles.

They even think that people who succeed have somehow acquired super human powers that result in an ability to no longer struggle.

Of course, we don’t all struggle the same way, but we all struggle.

Fear is what we feel when we don’t trust our ability to make it through the struggle.

So the question really becomes, not just “what am I afraid of?” but,

1 “What do I need to make it through the struggle?” and

2 “Who can help me through to the other side?”

For some of us, simply knowing that other people are also struggling is enough to help us persevere and get through to the other side.

For others, though, it is useful to have help and encouragement from those who have gone before us. They can help give us direction, show us the ropes, and lend a hand when we begin to falter so we can more easily pick ourselves up and resume course.

I Get By with a Little Help from My Friends

(song: by the Beatles)

Last night, as the musical evening drew to a close, Scott encouraged me to sing the same song I tried to sing earlier. I asked the guys to sing with me, and they agreed to shout out the lyrics before we got to the verses.

So I did it. Feeling completely ridiculous, I picked up the mic and not surprisingly, forgot the first line of the song.

The music kept playing and I kept standing at the mic, determined not to give up this time. The birthday boy looked at me and mouthed the lyrics I couldn’t remember.

I waited for the music to roll around to the right part and when I was ready, I jumped in.

Finally, I could sing, trusting the process a little more because I had 4 great musicians who were at least partly faking their way through the same song (or so they claimed).

When I faltered, they sang to help me through.

Growing lifework is about being in the struggle.

It’s not about figuring out how to move forward first in order to avoid the struggle.

It’s not about facing your fears first, then doing the lifework later.

Nor is it about figuring out exactly what you want to do now and then doing it when you’re ready.

It all happens simultaneously.

The thing to remember is that everyone else is struggling too, and that it’s much easier to be in the struggle when you have the loving support of people who went before you and successfully found their way through to the other side.

The questions for the day:

Who can support you on your journey, both emotionally and practically?

What can you do to put a support system in place to help you grow forward?