Although we couldn’t hear all of the details, my mom, step-dad and I got wide eyed and really quiet as we wondered who they were and what they were talking about. As the conversation became more colorful, we became more curious.

While it’s true that my grandfather is quite a character, most of what we heard was completely untrue.

Anyway, I wanted to get up and say something but I didn’t know what to say.

Instead, my 6’2″ dad got up, walked over to the table and said, “Hi. Small world. I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. I’m the son-in-law of the man you’re talking about and this is his daughter and granddaughter…And, everything you’re saying is completely untrue.”

I wish you could have seen the looks on their faces. But I digress…

So, my dad continued the conversation in a cordial tone. After a few minutes of clearing the air he said, “Oh, in a few weeks I’m having a book signing for my new book “Still Standing.” It’s about the remarkable healing journey of a soldier who lost his legs in Iraq. You’re welcome to come to the book signing if you’d like.”

I must say I was pretty proud of my step-dad. It takes guts to confront a situation like that.

Besides, he’d given me great material for my ezine. Here’s what made an impression on me:

Success Can Draw Criticism

It’s unfortunate, but true, that the more public (and successful) you become in your work the more likely you are to attract criticism and judgment, as well as the false accusations of jealous competitors or people who simply don’t like you.

So I shouldn’t have been too surprised when I heard someone criticizing my grandfather. He was a shrewd and well known businessman, and even though he was a character, he believed in excellence and his business succeeded as a result. Sometimes he drew criticism and judgments because of it.

But he’s not alone. Presidents Bush and Obama experience this. Deepak Chopra experiences this. Oprah experiences this.

And you might experience this too if you become (or are) a public figure. It’s a scary possibility, but the good news is that when you handle the circumstances with grace you may be able to balance out or neutralize what’s being said about you.

The Best Way to Handle Criticism

My step-dad could have gone over to the table behind me and yelled, “You have no idea what you’re talking about, you idiot!” But instead he was friendly and honest. He simply introduced himself to let the guy know he was a bit misinformed.

In other words, my step-dad didn’t ignore the situation and hope it went away. He confronted it head on, but he didn’t belittle the man or react in an unpleasant way. This method of confrontation spoke volumes about his character.

Criticism and judgments can get out of hand, quickly. Left unaddressed they can turn into rumors that build momentum and take on a life of their own.

Sometimes it’s important to address criticisms right away. If negative rumors start to spread about you or your work they can ruin your reputation and your ability to attract clients.

Of course, the way you address criticism says a lot about your character. If you handle the situation quickly and gracefully you’re more likely to turn a potentially damaging situation into a helpful situation, one that lets the world know you’re a smart service provider who cares about your work.

Shameless Self-Promotion

The most surprising part of the evening was when my step-dad invited the guy to his book signing party. Strangely, the invitation naturally flowed in the conversation.

Many of us could learn a thing or two from my step-dad. I call his marketing style “shameless self-promotion” because I sense he isn’t self-conscious about sharing about his new book, and it shows. Since I’ve been in Minnesota he’s secured several radio, TV and newspaper interviews.

How did he do it?

He tells every single person he comes into contact with about his book.

He’s done a few public speaking gigs and will do more, all focusing on the book.

He has a Facebook page and has posted videos and links to the interviews.

Essentially, he’s raised a lot of buzz and expectation about the book, and it’s working.

So those are three important things I noticed during that unusual evening. To summarize:

1. Criticism Happens

2. Handling it with grace is important

3. Practicing shameless self-promotion might just help you grow somewhere greater!

Until we meet again, here’s to growing somewhere great!

Throughout this process my clients are often faced with a choice of whether or not to turn a past struggle into a lifework focus, like Susan Komen’s sister turned Susan’s struggle with breast cancer into “The Race for the Cure.” This race raises money for research and helps millions of people through the challenges of facing breast cancer.

Some of my clients opt not to take this path, preferring instead to leave their struggles behind and venture off into new territory.

Many find the idea intriguing, though. They recognize the value in helping people through a similar journey to one they’ve already made. They can see themselves as a guide, a helping hand, with some wisdom and a lot of invaluable experience, all of which may help people navigate the rough terrain of their similar journey.

For these people the idea of turning a past struggle into a lifework focus seems exciting, at least initially. It’s as though one of their life purposes has been illuminated, helping make sense of their fears and frustrations. They feel invigorated by possibility.

But almost immediately fear arises. The first question to appear is usually “Who am I to do this work? I’m not an expert.”

The second is often “I’m not ready. I need one more certificate so people take me seriously.”

This type of fear is common. It often means the person is headed in the right direction. It’s also a sign that they are facing a growing edge.

As an aside, a feeling of indifference is perhaps a sign that a person is not moving in the right direction.

Fortunately, with courage and commitment, turning past struggles into meaningful lifework can be a rewarding process.

To help illustrate my point, here are some examples of what a few of my clients are developing right now:

• One woman has successfully overcome cancer, chronic pain and several addictions, and uses bodywork, movement and spiritual guidance to help women with similar problems find deep healing on many levels.

• A spiritual guide and mother is raising a child with Aspergers and part of her work involves helping other families find their way through the challenges and opportunities that come with learning differences. Her work is unique because she is both a teacher and a spiritual guide. She can address both aspects of the challenges people face and help them engage their situation holistically.

• Another woman discovered a significant lack of support when she was grieving the loss of a loved animal companion. As a result, she has opened her heart and spiritual guidance practice to people who are struggling with the loss of a dearly loved pet. She also helps people resolve animal related behavior problems and challenges. No longer do people have to suffer in silence over the loss of their loved animal friends.

This is just a small example of the incredible work being developed by my clients. I am so proud of these women and the many others in my programs who are taking small and huge steps in turning their struggles into lifework that has depth and value. I can hardly wait to introduce them to you after their websites are done and ready for public viewing!

But that is a topic for another ezine.

In the meantime, I have included a few questions you can explore for your own work

If you are just starting out

If you are currently in the process of trying to define a lifework path, think about any adversities you’ve overcome.

Do other people struggle with the same or a similar challenge?

Is there a way to use your experience to help other people?

How can you combine that experience with your gifts, skills and other interests to create meaningful lifework?

If you are a veteran in your field

If you have been in business for awhile and need new direction with your lifework or want to add a product or service that helps more people, think about difficulties you or your clients have overcome.

Have you noticed any common themes emerging?

How you might create a service or course that addresses that issue?

People don’t have to struggle alone

There are a lot of people out there who feel like they are alone. They may be experiencing the same or a similar challenge to one you experienced, and they could really use a mentor or guide or teacher or healer to help them through the process.

As the night progressed, a particular theme surfaced and it’s the same theme that’s appeared in conversations I’ve had with women and men for several years, especially since I started offering my 12-month marketing program.

The common theme has to do with fear of growing lifework:

• fear of judgment
• fear of being seen
• fear of not being of value to people
• fear of failure
• fear that people will find out they’re a fake
• fear of making the wrong decision
• fear of the internet
• fear of too much work
• fear of fill-in-the-blank

and this fear prevents these amazing people from sharing their gifts in a bigger, bolder and more beautiful way. It makes part of them want to stay small or even invisible.

Actually, this fear-theme is so prevalent in my conversations with people that I’ve decided to shift the direction of Grow Your Lifework, just a little bit, to help people transform their fear into something that will help them grow their lifework. As a result, I’m even redesigning my website. I’ll let you know how it progresses.

But for now, and in response to the conversations I’ve had over the years, I decided to spill my guts in this essay and share a bit about my personal struggle. I share this story because a lot of people think they’re the only one struggling, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Everybody struggles.

So here’s to the struggle and its power to help us grow somewhere great.

Making Music with Your Lifework

Yesterday, I went to a birthday party with my partner Scott (yes, I went to two birthday parties!). When we got there 3 men were playing music: stand up bass, electric guitar and drums.

Scott jumped in right away with his remarkable Jerry Lee Lewis style piano playing, and there I sat with my little djembe drum, feeling completely ridiculous and out of place. (Turned out to be a small birthday party, just the 4 guys and me.)

“Sing with us!” They all said, to which I replied, “I don’t know the lyrics to any songs. I only know the choruses. So I’ll pass.”

As an aside, I am a singer. I’ve performed on stage in front of hundreds of people, but I always rehearse for these performances. Winging it has never been one of my strong suits.

“Then drum with us!” They said, to which I replied, “You’re professional musicians. I can’t play djembe with you guys.”

“Professional?” questioned Joe, the drummer. “I don’t know about that. I just make this stuff up. When I play drums the experts know I’m totally faking it.”

My partner Scott often says the same thing about his piano playing.

But Joe and Scott are truly remarkable musicians. The majority of people on this planet would never see these guys as anything less than talented.

I thought, “If they can fake it and sound amazing, maybe I can fake it and sound amazing too.”

With a bit of courage creeping in, I decided to sing.

Sure enough, after I sang the first stanza I couldn’t remember the rest of the lyrics. I got all flustered, my timing faltered and everything went downhill from there.

I gave up and sat down in the middle of the song, feeling more embarrassed and frustrated than ever.

I love singing and I truly wanted to sing with them, but I resigned myself to drumming which was something I could do more comfortably knowing they’d never be able to hear me over their loud, amplified music.

As the day progressed the guys invited me to sing again and I said, “You know, I’d rather remain invisible, so I’m going to drum over here and you can stop asking me to sing.”

But secretly, I desperately longed to sing, I just couldn’t bear the thought of making a fool out of myself again!

After awhile the birthday boy sang a song. He forgot the lyrics. Instead of getting embarrassed and removing himself from the circle he just continued playing guitar. He didn’t give up. He didn’t sulk. He playing until he remembered the words.

Growing lifework is like this: we have many options when it comes to putting our voices or wisdom out there in the world.

1. We can acknowledge our desires, yet never commit to manifesting them, choosing instead to remain small. This choice usually results in a lifelong struggle with the deflated feeling that comes from giving up.

2. Or, we can follow our passions, which inevitably lead to some sort of struggle, then give up, and resign ourselves to remaining invisible.

3. Or, we can give it a try, struggle and keep going.

Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past

You must fight just to keep them alive

(song: Eye of the Tiger by Survivor)

The common step here is “struggle.” It’s a given. I doubt there’s any way around it no matter what path we choose.

And that’s exactly what it’s been like for me and others I know when it comes to growing our lifework: it’s a constant struggle, with some successes and some not-so-successes, and a willingness to keep moving in the midst of deep frustrations and embarrassment, regardless of what other people think.

My own work has been a music-like jam session. There have been times when I’ve been present enough to get in the groove and feel right on track. I’ve been the professional and the faker-musician when no one but me has known the difference.

And there have been other times when I’ve hit the wrong note and felt like a complete failure in my work. Sometimes I take a break to sulk, other times I stick in there with fierce determination.

I’ve done it all – tried, failed, given up, lost hope, and had periods of joyful rebirth during which I felt hugely successful based on my own definitions of success.

And this struggle happens concurrently under the surface parts that you see. You see the ezine, I see the struggle it took to get it in place.

I’m not sharing this with you so you can see how great I am at sticking with the process even when I want to give up.

I’m sharing this with you because every single person who shares their story with me thinks they are the only one who struggles.

They even think that people who succeed have somehow acquired super human powers that result in an ability to no longer struggle.

Of course, we don’t all struggle the same way, but we all struggle.

Fear is what we feel when we don’t trust our ability to make it through the struggle.

So the question really becomes, not just “what am I afraid of?” but,

1 “What do I need to make it through the struggle?” and

2 “Who can help me through to the other side?”

For some of us, simply knowing that other people are also struggling is enough to help us persevere and get through to the other side.

For others, though, it is useful to have help and encouragement from those who have gone before us. They can help give us direction, show us the ropes, and lend a hand when we begin to falter so we can more easily pick ourselves up and resume course.

I Get By with a Little Help from My Friends

(song: by the Beatles)

Last night, as the musical evening drew to a close, Scott encouraged me to sing the same song I tried to sing earlier. I asked the guys to sing with me, and they agreed to shout out the lyrics before we got to the verses.

So I did it. Feeling completely ridiculous, I picked up the mic and not surprisingly, forgot the first line of the song.

The music kept playing and I kept standing at the mic, determined not to give up this time. The birthday boy looked at me and mouthed the lyrics I couldn’t remember.

I waited for the music to roll around to the right part and when I was ready, I jumped in.

Finally, I could sing, trusting the process a little more because I had 4 great musicians who were at least partly faking their way through the same song (or so they claimed).

When I faltered, they sang to help me through.

Growing lifework is about being in the struggle.

It’s not about figuring out how to move forward first in order to avoid the struggle.

It’s not about facing your fears first, then doing the lifework later.

Nor is it about figuring out exactly what you want to do now and then doing it when you’re ready.

It all happens simultaneously.

The thing to remember is that everyone else is struggling too, and that it’s much easier to be in the struggle when you have the loving support of people who went before you and successfully found their way through to the other side.

The questions for the day:

Who can support you on your journey, both emotionally and practically?

What can you do to put a support system in place to help you grow forward?

Without empathy our work would be experienced as cold or heartless.

But empathy isn’t something only service providers employ. We need empathy to feel connected to other people, like family, friends and complete strangers. It helps us have patience and understanding so we can more easily communicate and solve problems.

A lack of empathy causes us to become judgmental and agitated when things don’t go our way. We feel disconnected and isolated emotionally, and stop caring about the needs of those around us.

So the other day when I heard about our culture’s diminishing connection to empathy, I became a bit concerned. According to this study, college aged people in 2009 were 40% less likely to experience empathy than their 1979 counterparts.

That means that younger adults in 2009 are far less likely to relate to their friends, family and community than young adults from 30 years ago. It also means that people are less likely to feel heard, seen and respected.

I was a bit disturbed by this news, but then yesterday I became even more concerned when I stumbled upon a video that discusses the history of empathy and its importance in our future evolution.

The Empathic Civilization

The Empathic Civilization is a 10-minute, engaging video about how integral empathy is to our sense of community and connectedness. The lecturer, Jeremy Rifkin, hypothesizes that the health of our planet may be dependent on how well we can create global empathy.

Uh oh.

I highly recommend you watch this video. I watched it twice. The British Royal Society of the Arts (RSA) illustrated Rifkin’s lecture and the graphic element alone is worth the 10-minute viewing. But the information about empathy is also fascinating, especially as it pertains to the work we do as service providers.

It may be up to today’s spiritual leaders (I use the term loosely) to find a way to help people connect with empathy.

I don’t know what that would look like, but it seems important to point out that just because people are 40% less likely to feel empathetic doesn’t mean we have 40% less need to be loved, heard, seen and related to. Indeed, I think the less empathy we experience in this world the more likely we are to need it.

Your role as a service provider is so important. You may be the only person in someone’s life who is empathetic to their situation. You may be the only person who can see, hear, and value your clients’ struggles and accomplishments.

It’s important that you make yourself available. Get the word out about what you do. Have a website, give talks, offer free classes, do whatever you can to connect with people so they can find you and your work. It’s just one way we can help create more understanding in this world.

Don’t underestimate the significance of what you have to offer. If Rifkin is right, your work may help save the planet.

Below is a list of ideas that might help you incorporate free time into your schedule so you can actually do the things on your list. I am particularly fond of the first two ideas. They work well for me, and help me stay balanced, especially when I’m busy working on a big project.

Be sure to leave a comment, sharing with us how you make time for yourself.

Have Designated Time for Your Work

If you already know how to recharge your mind-body-soul, but have a hard time making the time to do it, tune in next week when I share some of my secret techniques for setting boundaries with clients and my self.

When you are self-employed there is no 9-5 schedule. You might work 9 to midnight. Or not at all.

Unfortunately, your clients do not have the same expectations you have about your “off” hours. In fact, they may not even think you have “off hours.” (I’ve had clients call me on my home phone after 8:00 pm on Sunday to take care of business that could easily have waited until Monday.)

For this reason, I no longer use my cell or home phone number for business. I use a Google Voice number to help me set normal office hours. The phone system can be programmed to do all sorts of useful things. If you want all calls to go into voice mail after 6:00 pm or on weekends, you can do so. If you want client calls to go directly into voice mail, but your family and friends’ calls to ring through, you can do this too.

Additionally, it will transcribe all voice mails and email them to you so you don’t have to check voice mail. The transcriptions are usually awful, but at least you can get general idea of their contents.

Set Office Hours and Make them Obvious

I have designated hours when I meet with clients, and I don’t start my first meeting until 11:00 am. When necessary, I can be flexible, but I prefer to get settled into my day before I talk with anyone. I find I can be more present with my clients if I have time every morning to care for myself.

You may have similar needs. Perhaps you prefer to work with clients in the morning and by yourself in the afternoon. Or work Tuesday – Thursday with clients, and the rest of the week by yourself. Experiment until you find what works best for you and stick to it.

Schedule Time for Yourself During the Work Week

A minister friend of mine keeps a paper calendar that is often visible to other people. When a parishioner asks to make an appointment they can see every meeting the minister has scheduled.

If the minister has a lot of empty space in his calendar the parishioner is likely to assume the minister is available. People don’t naturally understand his need to have time to himself, so instead of trying to explain to the parishioners that the “left over” time slots are for paperwork and personal time, the minister fills in the “empty” spots with “appointments.” For his personal time he uses a made up name like Joe. When a parishioner sees the calendar it looks full, but much of what is scheduled is quiet time for the minister to get his work done. This system has helped him create boundaries and a healthy ministry.

Have a Teddy Bear Named “Someone”

Service providers don’t like to lie, and as I mentioned above, people don’t always understand your need for alone time. I once read about a church that had a teddy bear named “Someone.” The teddy bear sat on a chair in the minister’s office. If the minister needed time to herself, and a parishioner called to speak with her, the receptionist could honestly say, “I’m sorry. Rev. Johnson is meeting with Someone. Can I take a message?”

Designate One Day as Your Personal Sabbath

Pick one day of the week and keep it sacred. Do whatever you find meaningful, but don’t work.

In last week’s ezine I talked about making three lists of activities that help you feel renewed. On the Sabbath day of your choice, I suggest doing something from the first or second list. For instance, yesterday I read most of the day. Today I feel completely invigorated and ready for a full week of work.